The Love Guru (12A.) Director by Marco Schnabel. Starring Mike Myers, Jessica Alba, Romany Malco, Justin Timberlake, Ben Kingsley, Verne Troyer. 89 mins. * One star rating Mike Myers is not a man who would ever knowingly leave a cash cow under milked. H

The Love Guru (12A.) Director by Marco Schnabel.

Starring Mike Myers, Jessica Alba, Romany Malco, Justin Timberlake, Ben Kingsley, Verne Troyer. 89 mins. *

One star rating

Mike Myers is not a man who would ever knowingly leave a cash cow under milked. Having sustained a decade and half of stardom on little more than Wayne's World, Austin Power and Shrek he must've been aiming for a good few years out of his latest creation, Guru Pitka, but after flopping in the States (and surely elsewhere) he'll no doubt be back rattling the Austin Powers collection box to see if he can squeeze a few more dollars from that.

Pitka's another Sixties throwback, Austin Powers with a beard and no other real cultural point of reference. It's a pointless character and Myer's performance is simply hateful. He might just as well be acting in a mask, his face remain set in the same expression of twinkled self-satisfaction throughout. He's the least expressive lead character since V for Vendetta.

This is exactly the film you should expect of someone who's enjoyed so much success and is so sure of his instinctive connection with the audience that he surrounds himself with a first time director and script writer.

Let the first word out of your mouth be "Yes Mike," followed by "Brilliant/ fantastic/ genius Mike" as you convince yourself that this agonising loop of knob and poo jokes is hilarious.

The secret of Myers' previous successes was convincing an audience they were part of a big fun party, beguiling them to lower their standards and join in the fun. Here you're kept firmly on the other side of the VIP area.

Of course no film where Jessica Alba acts is ever totally devoid of laughs. (Which is a cheap jibe but for this film why pay more?) When she tells Pitka after a romantic meal that this was the most she'd laughed in ages there's something about her glassy eyed everyboy's-talking-at-me-but-i-don't-hear-a-word-they're-saying expression that makes you believe that this could well be the first time in recent memory that that face had been cracked into a smile.

It may not sound like much but I doubt any other actor in the world right now could convince you that they actually found Myers funny.