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In case of emergency on the Heath, just run around in circles

PUBLISHED: 16:00 05 September 2007 | UPDATED: 14:37 07 September 2010

PROCEDURE for reporting a dangerous incident on Hampstead Heath during peak bank holiday period: 1. Hurry to staff yard at Parliament Hill and find enquiries window closed. Scurry to tennis court keeper s hut nearby and find it closed. 2. Staff yard itsel

PROCEDURE for reporting a dangerous incident on Hampstead Heath during peak bank holiday period:

1. Hurry to staff yard at Parliament Hill and find enquiries window closed. Scurry to tennis court keeper's hut nearby and find it closed.

2. Staff yard itself is deserted. Obey instructions on enquiries window to go to athletics track.

3. Find no sign of authority at athletics track. Seek advice from attendant emptying bin of children's playground.

4. Attendant's advice: either take long walk to middle of athletics track to seek out distant figure of supervisor busy with field work, or put complaint in writing in diary playground office. Decide to write in diary, ask whether diary report will be passed on automatically and told it won't, given brochure to make phone report to office staff.

5. Office staff at Parliament Hill staff yard have bank holiday weekend off, even though the Heath is at peak use. Interesting.

6. Comforted to know that any report of terrorist incident or assault will be handled by two women in children's playground.

7. Glad the incident was not serious - it was about a works driver speeding dangerously past the knees of an elderly couple on a bench and nearly running over a dog. So it wasn't all that important. But if it had been, eh?

THOMAS jONES

Colney Hatch Lane, N10

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